No Tears to Cry

If I could produce tears….
I would have filled a pond with them today.
Instead, I think that I have filled a swamp with my mucus tears….
And, my eyes are paying the price.

I am trying to find a way to praise God today….
And, to mean it.
I don’t want my words to be empty….
To be shallow without truth.

….But....

Sometimes, praise is hard…
Especially when life is difficult.

Today I have meditated on my sorrow….
On life’s disappointments and lost dreams.
I have piled them altogether….
And, have created an impressive heap of grief.

I have parked myself in the garage of despair….
And considered losing my keys.
Because maneuvering through this place....
Overwhelms me.

I need to seek God and find His goodness….
Instead of languishing in my swamp of mucus tears.
However, the muck and mire of life….
Is at times overpowering.

It begins to function as quicksand dragging me under….
To where the Light can scarcely penetrate.
I try to find a pocket of air in this wretched place….
To breathe something fresh into my lungs.

....But....

I cannot succeed….
Because I have fallen too deep – too far.

Where is the One who can rescue me….
And breathe sweetness into my lungs?
I need Him to find my lost soul….
And restore my joy and trust.

....Because….

I have no strength left in me....
And Darkness is beginning to consume this place.

August 11, 2011

Christi turns 31 today. While we know that she's alive, we have had no contact with her. This pain permeates me like a recklessly growing and deadly mold which has attacked not only the outside façade of my life but has spread its ugliness to the innermost parts of my being. I thought, prayed, and hoped that by now our children would have desired contact with us. But instead, all we get is silence.

Unfortunately, this silence isn’t mute since it is filled with so much agony and struggle of the heart. This silence is my constant companion always sitting next to me taunting my cherished hope of reconciliation. I try to occupy my days with reading, studying, family, friends, and activity. However, eventually sleep must come and I have no control over my dreams. In those dreams, I often see my children and I will try to get to them. Yet, there is always an obstacle that prevents me from holding them or speaking to them. This obstacle used to be my father or mother but not with normal features. Instead, their faces often were so twisted that they appeared demonic in nature. The dreams have modified over the years. The obstacle usually doesn’t portray itself as a person but simply as evil incarnate. Perhaps, God is now controlling my dreams and reminding me of a truth found in Ephesians 6.

“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm.”

Stand Firm.

Today I will pray for God to protect the hearts and minds of my children from the spiritual forces of wickedness that would seek to destroy them. I pray that He will reveal the truth of Himself to them and that they will stand firm in Christ.

I will continue to pray that my father will seek Christ and find hope and forgiveness in Him. I pray that whatever demonic powers have invaded his heart will be eradicated by the power of the Holy Spirit.

I will also pray for me. I pray that God grants me peace and joy in a world that is not my home and continually reminds me of His great love and sovereignty in all things – both in the things that my physical eyes see and that my spiritual eyes hope to see. I will pray that I can Stand Firm.

My longing today is that my daughter will realize that she has a momma and daddy who dearly love her. I hope that God reveals His salvation to her and restores her to a family which has never ceased in praying for her and Bobby.

Christi, my darling girl, I wish you a happy birthday.

Marketing yourself as a Christian speaker....

Ugh. Worded that way it sounds so worldly; however, it seems that you have to be willing to do the marketing so folks know that you are out there and serious.

I love it when I get calls to come and speak but this forward marketing doesn't seem very spiritual!

But, I digress.

I have been researching how you begin getting your name out there as a Christian speaker. A couple of the things suggested are creating a webpage with professional photos, video clips of sections during your talks, and other data. The key word seems to be NETWORK. Since, Mark and I have been writing this book - having these things in place could possibly encourage a future publisher to take a chance with our book.

I hate having my photo made - especially since being on those HIGH doses of predisone last year and the beginning of this year. But, I am biting the proverbial bullet and scheduling a photo session. I contacted a friend who has a studio and told her that I was trying to get some "good"... well, perhaps.... "decent".... photos of me for a webpage and email attachments and flyers. She quoted me an amazing price and I am scheduling that for next week.

I scheduled an appointment with my hair stylist before the photo shoot. Unfortunately, I know that will not make a huge difference because what I need is a face-lift and liposuction!

Yep.... wanting face-lifts and liposuction, hair dying, highlighting and waxing additional hair off my face, wondering which of my clothes make me look less fat.... these are the thoughts invading my mind. haha!

We are called to be in the world but not of the world.... sometimes that line is rather obscure.

Health news on the Homefront....

Let's see... where do I begin?

June 29 began as a normal day. Mark had gone with Paul up to his college for some placement tests. I was at home putting up vegetables. I had blanched and frozen summer squash and was in the process of canning Italian tomatoes when the boys got home. Mark asked if I needed my jars from upstairs. He proceeded to go get a couple of boxes and my large water bathe canner.

Unfortunately, he missed the bottom two steps and landed on his left upper leg and knee. Upon hearing the crash and my husband screaming in pain, I ran into the living room to find Mark lying on the floor in piles of broken glass with his leg left in a rather awkward position. We ended up called the EMT's and spent several hours at the emergency room. The next day, Mark went to see Dr. Scott where he was examined, x-rayed, and given an MRI. Surgery was scheduled for the following morning - July 1.

While Mark had landed on a wood floor our home is built on a concrete slab and so his fall did some major damage. Dr. Scott told me after the surgery that Mark's leg looked as if a bomb had exploded in it - totally shredding his quads and ripping it away from the kneecap. He had to reconstruct Mark's quads and then drill three holes in her kneecap to reattach the quad. Unfortunately, Mark is in for a long recovery. He will be in a brace for four months and unable to drive during this time. Mark begins his physical therapy in 2 weeks which is six weeks after the surgery.

Please keep Mark in your prayers since he begins his marching band camp this coming Monday, August 1.

Now, I will write encouraging news about my health. When I talk to most people who have Sjogren's and get on the support sites, I realize that God has truly blessed me. First, I do not have the other diseases that many people seem to get along with the Sjogren's. Since getting my immune system stabilized my issues are really just my tear ducts and salvia glands. I have been able to keep my eyes healthy with the special eye drops and supplements.

Okay, I will admit that I can get winded and my joints can hurt but honestly, I believe that is more due to my weight than Sjogren's. So today I am joining a gym in order to do water exercises. When I was first diagnosed with Sjogren's my knees were in great pain and now I can sit Indian style, again!!! I hadn't been able to sit with my legs bent like that in years! Basically, I feel like God has been blessing me - greatly!

I believe that God has been teaching me to slow down and to stop saying yes to everything and to do the things for which He has called me to do. Sjogren's made me really learn to set priorities and NOT feel guilty about saying, "No," when asked to do something.

Also, I think that God wants me to take time to do good stuff for me. I think, as wives and moms, we tend to put our needs on the back burner. We will kill ourselves for our children and spouse but put our needs on hold. I have come to realize that when we do not take care of ourselves then in reality we are hurting our families who need strong, vibrate, healthy, and happy moms and wives.

I took pictures of Mark’s leg after the surgery; however, after thinking about it I have decided to spare y’all the photos. They aren’t exactly pretty.

Here’s what I think God is teaching Mark and me through our circumstances – we can slow down and the world and live will still continue! Michael has picked up and started doing all the physical things that Mark used to do around the house. Things are still getting done just not exactly like Mark did them. Amazing! Mark is also going to have to let his students act like responsible High School students and allow them to handle things. If they mess up, they will have to suffer the results because Mr. Baskin will not be able to run around like a chicken-with-his-head-cut-off and get all the stuff they leave behind.

I also have discovered that I would have made a HORRIBLE nurse. I had gotten accepted into nursing school when Michael was diagnosed with dyslexia in 1991. While I never have regretted homeschooling him, I was disappointed that I couldn’t attend nursing school. I accepted the challenge of schooling Michael and moved forward in life. God showed me, in a huge way, that I would have HATED nursing. Mark fell on Wednesday and by that Friday I was praising God for changing my life back in 1991. Believe me, I am a much better teacher than I would have been a nurse.

So, this is my update on our health. I will post our book writing update tomorrow!

Blessings to all.

Trying again!!!

Several weeks ago I tried to upload several pics into my blog and after waiting for hours.... they never went through. Ugh! But, it's time that I give a little update on our lives.

Since I last blogged....

Michael did his senior project defense presentation, graduated from Brewton Parker College with a Bachelor of Fine Arts with an emphasis on Film and Script writing, and celebrated with a cook-out here at the house. Paul graduated from high school and had his Eagle ceremony. We are extremely proud of both of our sons!

We were blessed to be able to share all of these events with dear friends.... some traveled up from Florida or down from north Georgia. Linda O. flew up and helped keep me on track with Paul's Eagle ceremony. I do not think that I could have managed without her help. Debi and David M. drove up from Arcadia, FL and helped with the final touches of the decorations and David was in charge of the official ceremony. Linda had spent hours for the past several months sending out letters for me, creating the program and basically being my brain for the event! God has blessed me with dear friends. Several dear ladies baked wonderful cakes for the dinner and Rebecca A. and Kathy R. (along with Linda) came out to the church on Friday and helped me cook nearly all day long. Linda O. had the U.S. flag flown over the capital in Washington, D.C. and Lynda T. had the Georgia state flag flown over the capital in Atlanta, GA and both presented these gifts to Paul during the ceremony.



Paul getting his Eagle Charge.


Jessie N. presenting Paul with his Eagle badge.


Mom getting a hug from her Eagle Scout.


Paul pinning his Dad.



Eagle Scouts will usually present mentor pins to those who encouraged them on their road to becoming an Eagle. Paul decided that two men were influential in his journey. David began with Paul as a Cub Scout in Arcadia, Fl. Jessie was Paul's Scout Master here in Vidalia.

Paul presenting a mentor pin to David M.


Paul presenting Jessie N. with a mentor pin.


However, Paul insisted that two other people influenced his life not specifically in becoming an Eagle but in becoming the young man he is today. He wanted to honor these individuals at his Eagle and High school graduation ceremony.

Paul presenting Michael K. with a pin.


Paul giving his second mom, Lauri G., a pin.


Two very special ladies giving Paul special gifts!

Linda O. giving Paul the U.S. flag she had flown for him.


Lynda T. and Paul.


Lynda Talmadge giving Paul the Georgia flag.


Mom & Dad presenting Paul with his High School diploma.


At the reception!

Three Eagle Moms - Me, Linda O. and Debi M.


Michael's cook-out also became a group endeavor with Jimmy and Patricia D. helping us by providing a tent canopy and many other items. Lauri's sons, Glenn and Taylor both came down and helped with the set up, too and attended graduation. Mandi K. attended graduation and helped with the set-up. Danna D. and Daniel her son, drove over from the Macon area and celebrated with us, too. We hadn't seen Daniel for several years and it was wonderful to see him. Michael was blessed by all of the folks who came to rejoice with him.

Michael at his Senior Defense presentation.


Michael and Professor Jones.


Michael and Dr. Brucie.


Graduation DAY!!!

Sitting and waiting during the graduation ceremonies....


Our college graduate, Michael!


Time to celebrate with a few friends!

Mandi & Tayor


Glenn


Michael & Daniel


Three Friends - Patricia D., me, and Danna D.


Jimmy D., Patricia's other half!


Lynda T. - one extremely special lady!


Mark, one proud Dad!


After two extremely tiring but happy weeks - Michael's graduation and cook-out followed the next week-end by Paul's Eagle ceremony and dinner - Linda O. and I managed a short get-away to Savannah before she had to fly back to Florida. We had a lovely but too short a trip. We went on a historic tour, caught a musical, dined out, and soaked in the hot tub!

Arriving to dinner in style in a limo!


Friends! Posing for a photo in the limo.

A blog about nothing....

I have nothing important to say but I still needed to write - something besides research papers. Something that doesn't require perfect grammar and spelling or a thesaurus!

I am almost done with this class - 8 more DVD lectures, about 20 hours of reading and the final and by next Friday I'll be done. Then, I have a break for 10 days before my next one starts.

I have been reducing my prednisone, so I hope that means I'll start losing some weight. I can't believe that I look like this when I have to be up in front of people. It is sort of depressing. Oh, well... I went and bought some fat clothes today. I just tried to not look at the sizes!

Here's my amazing discovery when buying larger clothes. I could either buy hideous large BRIGHT prints... or ..... black/gray. So, you guessed it, I only bought gray and black stuff. I did get a couple of solid pink tanks to wear under the black and gray stuff.

I have Paul's Eagle invites made! I just have to type up the mailing labels. That makes me happy. I don't think that Michael has ordered his graduation announcements.

My eyes are doing so much better - most of the time. That's a blessing,

Michael is home this week on spring break. I hope to go to the movies with him later on in the week. His birthday is next Saturday.

Well.... that's about all the boring stuff that I can think of to write.

Be Blessed!!

The power of prayer

Today, a Nigerian gentleman from my Sunday school class prayed for me after church. Mark, Emmanuel, and I met in Mark's office. As he prayed, the Holy Spirit filled that small office. What transpired in that room cannot be explained by my finite words. However, I know that prayer was heard in the very throne room of heaven. And, I believe with full faith that God graciously answered, "Yes."

So, now I await the physical manifestation of what has already transpired in the spiritual realm.

To God be the Glory,
Amen

Something to ponder ...

Since having to take all of these nasty medications, my once thick hair has thinned a bit. Even with reducing the drugs my hair follicles are extremely loose and my hair simply falls out throughout the day. I find that I am slowly growing accustomed to the shedding dog look but seriously doubt I’ll ever get used to eating my hair which enjoys falling out in my food. Even though I know it’s my hair and it’s clean, I am grossed out when I find it tangled in my food which is now in my mouth. My normal habit is to walk over to the trash can and spit the food out. If I realize that my lost hair has taken up residence on my plate, I will make myself a new plate of food.

Yet, this morning the verse “All things work together for the good...” took on a new and revised meaning for me. I have been praying, “God, please help me get this weight off. God, please let my prednisone moon-shaped face find cheekbones in the land of the living. God, please take away my desire to eat.” After my prayer sheepishly offered over a bowl of oatmeal and raisins, a light bulb moment flared in my brain.

Unfortunately, sometimes God has to use a flash of lightning to obtain my unfocused attention. I have been praying, “Lord, make me thin,” all the while finding comfort in food. I have been praying, “Lord, tighten up the old hair follicles.” Perchance, God is using these two requests to prompt me. Could God be giving me a signal to stop eating when I find hair in my mouth? Eureka, a new revelation of God’s intimate leading in my life.

So, that’s my deep probing thought and interpretation of scripture for the day. Some may determine that my theological prowess is lacking in substance. Nonetheless, I find this new insight intriguing and deserving of honor. So, positioned under “the point is” magnet on my refrigerator is my new mantra, “Stop eating when your hair falls into your food.”


Be blessed,
Debbie

Musings about the book ....

During our interview with Holly Bounds last week, we told her that we were outlining a book which we hope to write this summer. Preliminary plans are to share our experience about the kidnapping with transparency. Luckily, I kept journals off and on during those first years. When I peruse some of those writings, I am astounded that we continued to function, raise a son, and adopt another one. We were fortunate in that our faith in Christ remained constant.

While we experienced periods of discouragement, ultimately His sustaining sovereignty provided us with strength and joy compelling us to move forward in our lives and family. In our present condition, God’s faithfulness and love for us is measureable by finite human standards; however, during the early years of sorrow, my faith faltered similar to a baby’s first steps. Now, I realize that like a caring parent encouraging his child to learn to walk, all the while standing closely by his side, God was training me how to walk in a new direction. His design for me was to walk in a way which would magnify the glory of His holiness.

Of course, there are times when we fall and bruise our knees but our loving Father bandages our wounds. He has patiently cradled me during my times of forsakenness, sorrow, pain and tantrums as a parent holds his inconsolable child. These are the moments that I want to share with other aching Christians. All will experience tragedy, sorrow, or illness in our lives. None are immune from the influences of this fallen world. But, each of us can stand with security and hope if we continue to stay the course the Father has set before us. We plan to share God’s embracing arms and His healing salve that enable His children to find joy and peace during times of unfathomable sorrow.

Here are some photos of Christi and Bobby....

Photos from the past of children who are now adults. They bring me both joy and sorrow. Still trusting the God of Psalm 126:5, "They that sow in tears shall reap in joy." Believing that someday we'll sit with our children and share blessed memories from their childhood.

Birthday Time... Christi, Momma, and Mandy Lee


Ashley and Bobby


Christi, Ashley, and Michael


Christi with puppy


Daddy, Bobby, and puppy


Christi, Momma and Bobby


Bobby, Michael and Christi




Easter Baskets! Christi, Michael and Bobby



Cousins... Bobby, baby Jonathan, Mandy Lee, Christi, baby Michael

This is the 2 year anniversary of Christi and Bobby being found.

This is what my children looked like when they were stolen.


Faith - the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not see....

There are days when the sorrow over Christi and Bobby not contacting us is nearly unbearable. I thought by now they would have wanted to see us. Yet, they remain silent and my hearts continues to break. I try not to dwell on the sorrow and focus instead on the blessings in my life. When I allow the pain to surface even breathing hurts.


My handsome son, Bobby.


My beautiful, Christi.


I have prayed this scripture for 22 years...
Isaiah 49:22b "And they will bring your sons in their bosom, and your daughters will be carried on their shoulders."

Oh, we did an interview last week which aired February 3. Here's the link to it: Interview with Holly Bounds @ WSAV TV

Finally, some pictures from the Christmas season!

These are from Advent. We couldn't make our schedules work to light one every Sunday for four weeks, so we lit them all on Christmas Eve.

Michael listening....

Paul lighting the first candle....


Mark lighting the third candle....


Our Advent Wreath....


White Christmas Tree on the porch....


Green tree in the living room....


The guys opening presents on Christmas morning...

Mark...


Paul and his hair...


Michael....


Sweet Toby!

Update on doc visit....

I saw the doc yesterday and got him to take me off the chemo pills, folic acid, and reduce the prednisone. He is weaning me off the prednisone and I should be off of it in three months. My eyes are still not producing tears which indicates that the chemo and prednisone high doses didn't seem to help. However, I believe that I am producing a little bit of saliva. I am praying that tear production begins.

Oh, he reminded me that extended high doses of prednisone can make one diabetic. ugh. I had forgotten he told us that back in October. Anyway, he's running blood work for that disease. I do not want to be diabetic.

We discussed a diet and exercise program to take off weight. Mark and I both began today. My goal is to take off at least 30 pounds by the beginning of May. Surely, that is a doable goal. I am giving myself 4 months, so the average weight loss would be around 2 pounds a week. Please pray that we are successful.

Christmas was wonderful. I'll post pictures and tell about it in another thread.

I hope everyone had a joyous holiday season and that this New Year brings blessings and joy into your lives.

Hugs and prayers,
Debbie

Grades came in.....

I got an A for the course!! Now, I can focus on Christmas!!

This was my favorite course that I have taken thus far. I truly enjoyed it. I had thought that I was going to enjoy New Testament more than Old Testament... but I was wrong.

Next semester, I am taking Systematic Theology II, and Introduction to Apologetics.

I got some Christmas baking completed this week with Paul's help. And right now, Christmas music is playing... rather loudly. :)

Blessings to all and Merry Christmas!!!

I have finished all my work for this class!!!

This is a huge load off of me. Now, I am waiting on my last two assignments to be graded but so far, I have an pretty high A for the class. :)

My eyes are doing somewhat better this week. Mark bought some cool-mist humidifiers and that is helping me!! I am so blessed by that dear man.

Paul and I took the dogs to the groomer yesterday and then Paul picked them up later on in the day. Here's a funny about Paul. I had asked him about taking the dogs (remember, these are little doggies) and he said, "Sure." Later on, he found me and asked, "Do I have to take them in MY car?" LOL!!! His car is usually a mess and his interior is black. My car is usually clean and my interior is cream. But, we used my car. He had cleaned his car on Friday because he had to drive in the Christmas parade.

I am planning on trying to begin some Christmas baking this week. I will take it slow... for me. I love the smells of Christmas - normally. So, I need to bake early in the week before I take those Friday pills which make everything smell and taste horrid... sort of like metal. So, I'll bake early and eat my oatmeal on Friday and Saturday.

I have most of my Christmas wrapping DONE!! This is early for me. I need to find a couple of weird shaped boxes for two items and then, finish up wrapping some of the girls' presents. Well, I have to pick up a couple of little things and I want to try and make a few things.... but we shall see.

Today, I am going to bake and listen to Christmas music... and work on the never-ending laundry. And, I hope to get in a little reading if my eyes let me!!

I love this season. We are now in the second week of Advent - which is Preparation. I pray that all of our hearts are ready to accept the glorious gift of Christ coming into this world. We are so blessed by a marvelous Savior. The first week was Hope. We have tremendous Hope that is found only in Christ. Of course, our Hope was made manifest in Christ.

Today, my prayer for you is that you see the the gentle ways that God's works in this world. Often, we look for a big burning bush or a show of lights. But, God frequently works in the small and in the quiet. He worked out His most amazing blessing through the birth of one small baby. Look around you and see the ways that God is working in your life.... and rejoice.

Be Blessed!
Debbie