Wednesday, October 07, 2015

Pondering on what inspires...

I find it so interesting what folks find inspiring. There are normal things that I do when I need to be inspired to keep on keeping on such as listening to music, reading the Bible, writing, praying, or talking with a friend who I know will encourage me. There are certain passages in Isaiah that I go to or certain ones in Philippians. Unfortunately, there are times when ALL of my usual tactics fail. I do realize that they most likely fail because of the condition of my heart. But, the heart is a delicate thing and it is easily wounded.

Sometimes, I will just sit on the back porch and watch the pond and the sky. Other times I try to stay VERY busy so that my mind has no time to sit and ponder. Lately, I have been fighting overwhelming sadness in regard to Christi and Bobby - in regard to losing my entire family.

This week and last week, I have really not spent much time with God. I know that this is not a good thing for me and truly I have no excuse other than I want Him to answer some of my biggest and most heartfelt prayers with a resounding, "Yes." I feel ignored. Notice, I am talking feelings here and not what my mind tells me is the truth. My feelings are raw and they ache.

The truth is - I am sad. I have been sad for years. Even my happier times are filtered through this sadness. I want to see my oldest two children's faces in the land of the living. I want to get the opportunity to share the rest of my life with them. I want to hear about their growing up years. I want to rejoice about their successes and cry in their failures. I want to hold them in my arms.

I want reconciliation with my sisters. I want them to admit that they were deceived and I want to laugh with them again. I want to begin making new and happy memories with them.

For some reason, God keeps answering my cries and prayers with silence or keeps saying wait or answers with a no. I do not like nor understand His answer. I do not understand why He allowed this to ever happen and certainly not why He has allowed it to continue. My reformed friends would say it's part of His sovereign plan; however, my free will friends would say that He allows men and women freedom of choice and He allowed it to happen because of the sin present in this world. Whatever the reason, it has not been a joyful experience.

Therefore, I am sad. Bobby's birthday is Nov. 16. He will be 34. I have missed too many to count.

I believe and hope that God will send encouragement and I would love it to be in the form of my children.

Phil. 4: 6 & 7, NIV
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Not sure that this verse has anything to do with my sorrow but I hope that God's peace will guard my heart and mind in Christ Jesus.

Bright lights

Have you ever wanted to turn back the clock? I have. Yesterday, the sun was shining brightly in my bathroom mirror. I should have walked away or turned off some lights but instead I looked into the mirror and the reflection that I saw was shocking. I saw lots of tiny "new" wrinkles that had previously been hidden from view in dimmer conditions. So, I started pulling out ALL of those magical creams that I purchased which had promised all of these amazing results - eye creams, firming creams, heavy duty moisturizers, and serums ... whatever I could find and started slathering all of them on my face.

Sadlly, those wrinkles did not disappear instead they were just soothed a bit by lots of cream which now gave my face a glistening sort of effect. Not exactly the look I was going for.

Time... it moves forward whether we welcome it or try to fight it.   

Each of us has to decide what our reaction will be to the issues that the passage of time has in our lives, hearts, and minds. We can  bemoan it and race to plastic surgeons for facelifts, tummy tucks, and injections of botox. We can spend hard earned dollars on speciality creams from far off places that promise us youth in a bottle. Or, we can simply try to make wise and healthy choices in our lives.

We can spend time with God. We can laugh with loved ones. We can try to see the beauty that the passage of time allows us to witness. 

I have been blessed to get to share nearly 36 years as the wife of my best friend. We have been blessed with 4 children. During these years, we have shared sorrows and we have shared joys. I am amazed that this man still can make my heart skip a beat when he walks into a room. I like being near him whether we are discussing our kids, current events, theological issues, social issues; or, whether we are watching a tv show, reading a book, or in silence. Just being near him brings me joy. 

My life is written in those wrinkles around my eyes and mouth. Some are from tears and some are from laughter. They announce to the world that I am alive and have lived a real life not one filled in with plastic. 

Now, do I like those wrinkles? Not really. Would I prefer that I had fewer? Of course, I would. I will continue to try to smooth them over with my creams but I will also try to understand that they are part of who I am. They remind me of the roads that I had traveled. They show a life that has been lived. And, I imagine in about 5 or 10 years that I will be looking back at pictures of me from today and wishing that I looked this good. Ha. My perception seems to change as I age. I believe that I will try to enjoy life at this stage without worrying about bright lights.