Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Quota of Tears

I told Mark tonight on the way to church that God must have given each of us a quota of tears and that I obviously have used mine up. I have always cried easily. I used to cry when I was happy or sad. I have cried with friends over sorrows and joys, too. But, I guess that since my parents stole our children, I have cried too much. I have sat up and cried all night long on so very many nights. I have told people that I think that I have cried enough tears to fill the Atlantic Ocean. And, now I have these eye problems and I am producing no moisture at all.

When our children were found in February of 2008, I cried. I cried over their refusing to see or talk to us. I cried when people told me that my sisters were still saying horrible lies and writing them on the internet. I cried over the loss of so much and finally I thought, “I’ll see my precious children. I’ll get to touch their faces. I’ll get to hear about their lives....” but all we got was silence.... well, I cried for weeks. All of the sorrow, all of the pain, all of the betrayal came flooding back into our lives. I cried as I watched my husband and sons hoping to hear from Christi and Bobby – yet, only receiving silence. I would wake up in the night and my pillow would be soaked with tears. I have never been able to escape this pain even in my sleep.

When the children were found, I was also informed that my mother was dead. I told Mark that when my emotions calmed down over Christi and Bobby that I was going to mourn my mother. Mourn. Several months later, I decided that I could now think about my mother and allow myself to truly grieve. I pulled out old photos and my eyes burned and my nose became full.... but no tears. I remember thinking that something was very wrong with my heart. I was crying – but no tears. Then I thought, maybe God is protecting me from crying over her because He knew that I would never stop. I grieved for days.

As the months went on, I realized that I no longer had ANY tears. I would feel like I was about to burst... but those cleansing tears never came.

Last week, due to extreme eye pain, I went to the eye specialist. He told me that I produce no moisture in my eyes. I told the doctor that I was aware of that fact and that I hadn’t been able to cry in months. Now, I actually do cry.... I just do not shed any tears.

Tonight, as we were heading to church, and my eyes were burning and aching, I had the thought that I had used my quota of tears. I remember praying and asking God to stop my tears (actually I meant my pain, my sorrow, my heartbreak over my children) and I guess He answered that prayer.

After church, I stopped by to see my son, Michael, at his college and told him that I needed him to pray for me. Michael prays with such faith. He wrapped his arms around me and his dad and prayed. He prayed for my healing. He prayed that God would give me tears. He prayed, “God, tomorrow when my mother sees the eye doctor, I pray that she is healed. I pray that the doctor says – your eyes are perfect.” His prayer went deep into my soul. I looked at my son with new eyes and I saw an amazing loving young man.

Thank you, Lord.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

A family trying to adopt....

This is a link to a mom named Robin. Their family is adopting a child from Africa and are selling T-shirts to help with the expenses.

Go take a look at her blog!

Robin's Blog

Adoption is a wonderful experience; however, foreign adoptions are very expensive. So, if you would like to be part of helping a child get a forever family.... click on over to her blog!


Friday, September 10, 2010

My eyes....

I am having some pretty painful issues with my eyes. I am supposed to see my eye specialist every year because I have a narrowing of the lens which can lead to glaucoma. I haven't been going every year but I freak out when I have to go to the eye doctor. However, the pain was no longer just happening in the evening, but was beginning in the morning when I got out of bed. So, I called him and made an appointment. I appear to have ripped and torn my cornea because of severe dry eyes. I now have to see the cornea specialist next week and see my glaucoma doc the following week, again. He appeared to act like this might be serious. They have to determine a treatment plan. He also believes that I have sjogren's syndrome and had me schedule a blood test with Lee to check this out. Sjogren's syndrome is usually associated with rheumatoid arthritis or lupus. Doc wants to figure this out, too.

Anyway, I am not a happy camper but I am thankful for modern medicine. I would appreciate any prayers in regard to healing.


Wednesday, September 08, 2010

Thoughts About My Four Children

Today is the day that my youngest son turns eighteen. He is so very excited as he races to meet this next year in his life. He is looking forward to all the advantages of being an adult. His dreams and hopes for the future are forming in his mind and all he sees are the windmills – dreams spinning, cool breezes. From this perspective he is able to see the future as it gently tumbles in front of him. His thoughts are full of the next glorious adventure in his life.

Today, I look at this young man, and remember. I remember the day that God placed this precious gift into our home. After Christi and Bobby were kidnapped, I thought that surely God had forgotten us until my Father surprised us with a little son with black hair and black eyes. Amazingly, the verses from Isaiah 49 became a reality in my life – in our lives.

8 This is what the LORD says:
"In the time of my favor I will answer you,
and in the day of salvation I will help you;
I will keep you and will make you
to be a covenant for the people,
to restore the land
and to reassign its desolate inheritances,

9 to say to the captives, 'Come out,'
and to those in darkness, 'Be free!'
"They will feed beside the roads
and find pasture on every barren hill.

10 They will neither hunger nor thirst,
nor will the desert heat or the sun beat upon them.
He who has compassion on them will guide them
and lead them beside springs of water.

11 I will turn all my mountains into roads,
and my highways will be raised up.

12 See, they will come from afar—
some from the north, some from the west,
some from the region of Aswan. [a] "

13 Shout for joy, O heavens;
rejoice, O earth;
burst into song, O mountains!
For the LORD comforts his people
and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.

14 But Zion said, "The LORD has forsaken me,
the Lord has forgotten me."

15 "Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
Though she may forget,
I will not forget you!

16 See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;
your walls are ever before me.

17 Your sons hasten back,
and those who laid you waste depart from you.

18 Lift up your eyes and look around;
all your sons gather and come to you.
As surely as I live," declares the LORD,
"you will wear them all as ornaments;
you will put them on, like a bride.

19 "Though you were ruined and made desolate
and your land laid waste,
now you will be too small for your people,
and those who devoured you will be far away.

20 The children born during your bereavement
will yet say in your hearing,
'This place is too small for us;
give us more space to live in.'

21 Then you will say in your heart,
'Who bore me these?
I was bereaved and barren;
I was exiled and rejected.
Who brought these up?
I was left all alone,
but these—where have they come from?' "

22 This is what the Sovereign LORD says:
"See, I will beckon to the Gentiles,
I will lift up my banner to the peoples;
they will bring your sons in their arms
and carry your daughters on their shoulders.

23 Kings will be your foster fathers,
and their queens your nursing mothers.
They will bow down before you with their faces to the ground;
they will lick the dust at your feet.
Then you will know that I am the LORD;
those who hope in me will not be disappointed."

24 Can plunder be taken from warriors,
or captives rescued from the fierce?

25 But this is what the LORD says:
"Yes, captives will be taken from warriors,
and plunder retrieved from the fierce;
I will contend with those who contend with you,
and your children I will save.

26 I will make your oppressors eat their own flesh;
they will be drunk on their own blood, as with wine.
Then all mankind will know
that I, the LORD, am your Savior,
your Redeemer, the Mighty One of Jacob." (NIV)

Today, I rejoice because through this son, I received confirmation of my Father’s divine and perfect care. As I was reading that passage, again, probably for the millionth time since Christi and Bobby were stolen, I recognize that I have only seen a partial fulfillment of that scripture in my live. Our precious Paul was a down payment and assurance that God had not forgotten my family and that He will restore all of our children.

Today, Mark and I prayed for Paul – for his life, for his future, for his joy. But, we also thanked God for Michael, Bobby and Christi. Our hearts are always full with the love we have for all of our children. We prayed God’s blessings in their lives.

For twenty-seven years, I have been part of Michael’s life. That child saw his mother fall apart and then watched as God picked up the pieces of her life and gave them beauty and meaning. I will forever praise my Father for not allowing my parents to steal him, too. For eighteen years, I have been privileged to raise Paul. I remember all of Michael and Paul’s firsts. Those memories are forever embedded in my heart and mind.

And, now I look to a future – much like that of Paul’s windmill. I can see the beauty and restoration of God’s providence. I know that while my visions of the future may not unfold as I think that they should that I can trust God’s vision for my future and for my children – all four of them.

Today is a celebration. A celebration of the gift of Paul and the beauty and joy he brought to our family. Today, my baby turns eighteen.


Tuesday, September 07, 2010

ENFJ - "Persuader". Outstanding leader of groups. Can be aggressive at helping others to be the best that they can be. 2.5% of total population.
Take Free Jung Personality Test
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Monday, September 06, 2010

Pictures from August....

Man, I meant to post these photos earlier and life happened and I didn't get it done. The first one is a dear friend and me. Mark and I got to visit with Deborah for a little while before we headed home after Aaron's wedding. It was so wonderful to see her and realize that God blesses us with friends who are like family. I guess I would call her my sister by choice.

Deborah and Me

The next photos are of Mark's brothers and sisters and their spouses. We were able to get together for a meal on Sunday, August 8.

Kelly and Tim

Mike and Jane

Joan and John

Mark, Debbie, and Paul

Mandy Lee, Stan, and Emily

These photos are the in-laws with Charlotte, the original children with their mom and some of the grandchildren with Grandmaw.

Mike, me, Kelly, Emily, John, and Charlotte

Mark, Stan, Jane, Tim, Joan, and their Mom

Six of the Cousins...
Jared, Paul, Ashley, Mandy Lee holding Vivian, Graham and Grandmaw

The Cousins, again!