Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Quota of Tears

I told Mark tonight on the way to church that God must have given each of us a quota of tears and that I obviously have used mine up. I have always cried easily. I used to cry when I was happy or sad. I have cried with friends over sorrows and joys, too. But, I guess that since my parents stole our children, I have cried too much. I have sat up and cried all night long on so very many nights. I have told people that I think that I have cried enough tears to fill the Atlantic Ocean. And, now I have these eye problems and I am producing no moisture at all.

When our children were found in February of 2008, I cried. I cried over their refusing to see or talk to us. I cried when people told me that my sisters were still saying horrible lies and writing them on the internet. I cried over the loss of so much and finally I thought, “I’ll see my precious children. I’ll get to touch their faces. I’ll get to hear about their lives....” but all we got was silence.... well, I cried for weeks. All of the sorrow, all of the pain, all of the betrayal came flooding back into our lives. I cried as I watched my husband and sons hoping to hear from Christi and Bobby – yet, only receiving silence. I would wake up in the night and my pillow would be soaked with tears. I have never been able to escape this pain even in my sleep.

When the children were found, I was also informed that my mother was dead. I told Mark that when my emotions calmed down over Christi and Bobby that I was going to mourn my mother. Mourn. Several months later, I decided that I could now think about my mother and allow myself to truly grieve. I pulled out old photos and my eyes burned and my nose became full.... but no tears. I remember thinking that something was very wrong with my heart. I was crying – but no tears. Then I thought, maybe God is protecting me from crying over her because He knew that I would never stop. I grieved for days.

As the months went on, I realized that I no longer had ANY tears. I would feel like I was about to burst... but those cleansing tears never came.

Last week, due to extreme eye pain, I went to the eye specialist. He told me that I produce no moisture in my eyes. I told the doctor that I was aware of that fact and that I hadn’t been able to cry in months. Now, I actually do cry.... I just do not shed any tears.

Tonight, as we were heading to church, and my eyes were burning and aching, I had the thought that I had used my quota of tears. I remember praying and asking God to stop my tears (actually I meant my pain, my sorrow, my heartbreak over my children) and I guess He answered that prayer.

After church, I stopped by to see my son, Michael, at his college and told him that I needed him to pray for me. Michael prays with such faith. He wrapped his arms around me and his dad and prayed. He prayed for my healing. He prayed that God would give me tears. He prayed, “God, tomorrow when my mother sees the eye doctor, I pray that she is healed. I pray that the doctor says – your eyes are perfect.” His prayer went deep into my soul. I looked at my son with new eyes and I saw an amazing loving young man.

Thank you, Lord.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

That left my eyes wet! Thank you for writing things so eloquently and from your heart. I will add my prayers, although I'm sure they are not as strong as Michael's