Sadness

Sadness can sometimes just creep into your life when least expecting it. All right, I admit that I have been pretty sad lately with Mark's momma being so ill and hearing that my father is in a nursing home, too. When you are estranged from your family, you discover news in unexpected ways. Tonight I found out (thanks internet) that my grandfather had died this past November. I found his obituary in the Tennessean. My heart is just aching. At least in this obituary - my family actually had my name put in as a surviving granddaughter. When my grandmother died a few years back - I wasn't included in that one.

Honestly, you would think that they wouldn't be able to hurt and wound me anymore - but alas, they do. I wish I knew how to stop caring about and loving people who hate you. There are days when my sorrow over my family just shreds at my soul. Thankfully, God has never left me alone to bear this burden. I admit there have been times when I felt like I was alone. Those days (weeks, months....) were horrible. Usually, those times occurred during hissy fits. Unfortunately, I have had hissy fits right in front of God. Since I was raised in the south, let me assure you that I know how to pitch an excellent hissy fit. Most southern women have mastered them. Mine actually start off rather quiet. Then, I proceed to slamming doors and objects. When that doesn't produce in me the needed result, I go to talking to God that quickly progresses to sobbing and throwing myself on my bed and burying my head in my pillow. Since I no longer produce tears due to Sjogren's disease - I desperately try not to have my crying fits because when I cry I about destroy my eyes with mucus, which dries on them and them, rips my cornea. Fun.

I admit, I would love to have a hissy-fit right about now. I would love to just cry and cry and then cry some more. Instead, I sit here with my heart about to break (into how many more pieces I do not know since it has already been grated) and a lump in my throat that is causing me pain when I try to breath.

However, since I know that I do not need to continue in this state, I am going to try and find comfort in the Word of God. I am going to try and trust Him and believe that He will and has fought and won this battle for me. Instead of screaming at Him, I think that I'll mediate on His Word and pray that His healing balm will comfort my soul.

Me, Grandma, and Papa on my wedding day - Dec., 1979

                                    

Mark and I were able to find my grandfather's grave when we were up in Tennessee to bury his sweet momma. We put the roses on their grave. I was able to tell them both good-bye and I laid on their grave in the wet grass and wept.