Thursday, December 03, 2009

Another Reason That Proves God is Not a Woman!

Okay, let me first begin by saying if you get your panties in a wad over religious humor, then don’t read this piece. While the thoughts are funny, they are also accurate. And, all honest women married to a man will understand the truth of the theology behind what I am writing.

I have been having blonde highlights put in my hair for years. Recently, I decided to try and return to the color of my youth which was not blonde but brunette. I was concerned that there would be a problem with gray roots; however, in my naivety, I was not quite prepared for the amount of white hair that was fixing to make its appearance known to me.

Let me begin by saying that I always liked my hair color and swore that I would never go blonde until I started noticing some lighter hairs appearing on my head. That’s when I told my stylist to begin highlighting my hair. I have been highlighting my hair for the past 14 years. I want to make another comment. The truth why most women get and continue highlighting their hair is not because blondes have more fun. Brunettes are quite capable of having more fun than blondes. The simple reality of going blonde is that blonde hair hides white or gray hair much better.

Unfortunately, I was assuming that I would probably only have as much white hair as my husband has gray hair. My sweet man is three years older than me. Sadly, I was extremely mistaken. I colored my hair a light brown and noticed 3 weeks later that I could already see white hair beginning to make its presence known. Great, I thought. But, I assumed that I could still go my normal 6 to 7 weeks between dye jobs. That supposition was dreadfully wrong. In fact, upon further study of my head, I realized that I had much more white hair than Mark had gray.

Obviously, I wasn’t a happy camper and so I complained of my plight to my dear husband. His sweet reply, “Surely not, honey. You have got to be kidding.”

In my horrified state, I decided to prove it to him by parting my hair and showing him the evidence. What possessed me to do this is beyond my understanding. The only reasonable explanation that I have been able to come up with is temporary insanity. I thought that the man would have a sensible response. I was expecting consolation and perhaps even a dinner out. Instead my revolted husband gasped, “Oh, my GOSH, Debbie!”

For a Baptist minister, that statement is the equivalent to taking the Lord’s name in vain. However, I believe God, who is not a woman, agreed with Mark because nothing happened to him. The floor didn’t open up and swallow the man whole. Lightning didn’t strike him from the sky and give him, much needed, electric shock therapy and, most regrettably, he was not made mute.

You got it. He wasn’t done speaking. My dear sweet husband kindly inquired, “Do you need me to go to the drug store for some L’Oreal or do you have an appointment scheduled to get your hair fixed?”

I was dumb-struck and he should have been; however, he could still talk. That’s when he added, “I really am not ready to have a wife with white hair who would look older than me.”

If God was a woman, it would have been at this point that she would have turned all of his hair white and then rendered him bald the very next day.

Of course, I have been taught that God is full of grace, compassion and forgiveness and these characteristics apparently come from women. And, it’s evident that I have these attributes because this man is still living. Well, maybe God does have a feminine side, too.

1 comment:

Kristin Jag said...

That's a woozie!! I am not looking forward to that same discussion as my husband has the great gift of speaking the truth-it is only a matter of time. Loved your humor; thanks for the story to give us a laugh!